I have nothing to say, and I'm saying it.

from a letter to my uncle-


"Interesting to be in my 30's. Have more ambition these days and am caught up in the rat race of wanting money and security, recognition, fame, fun, and youth.

Wasn't sure if the " What are you trying to say? What are you saying? What should, ..can.. you say?" was a question or statement.

I think in my artwork and life I used to be vehement about what I wanted to say, but couldn't say it so well. I think now, at least in painting, I can communicate much better but don't feel it is a time where I'm trying to drive home a point. It's more of an understanding and exploration of the language of images and image making. It's a time of experimenting and testing one's powers. I wonder if later in life I'll will try to focus those powers towards a particular (beyond the boundaries of aesthetics) message.

It's maybe similar in life now, experimenting...trying things out. I'm probably a little better at painting than living, though.

I remember looking at people's lives in their 30's when I was in my 20's and thinking, it's an ugly time. Now that I'm here, I think it is perhaps ugly, but not without its pleasures. Career opportunities in the arts are better with experience and I feel that change. Also the thought that you actually have a place in society, which is still hard to get used to. Always been skeptical of that.

I remember there was some occasion you were in, with a group of people, and you were asked to use one word to sum up yourself at this point in life. I think you said "surprised."

We're all on a ride. I don't know or care to try and figure out exactly what it is or what one should do with it (or whether it's possible to figure those things out). But writing a blog and making paintings is a way to stay involved with that ride. Not necessarily to have control over it, but a way to not get overwhelmed by it.

That line of John Cage's "I have nothing to say and I'm saying it." probably in Cage's mind has more to do with the significance of the void and silence as a statement. I like it for the idea of the importance to act, to do, to be. Misinterpretations are the jewels of youth and art. Half the time we do things to act and then discover (or create) the "why" and the "what" of our actions. I think it's an amoral way of thinking, and I think that's what attracts me to it.

Sometimes we find out what we're trying to say by opening our mouth. Kind of silly, but hey, humans are kind of silly.

There is an aphorism about a blindfolded guy that is using a shotgun to hunt for ducks. He shoots off a round every three seconds and after 10 years he finally gets a duck. He shouts, "see the method works!" puts back on the blindfold and goes right on shooting."